Ahhhhhhhhhh! Why are we screaming again?! What in the world is going on?! If you don’t stop, there will be a consequence!

Do you recognize any of these statements as anything you have said before? They are truly things I have said to my kids when throwing tantrums. And it isn’t even a scratch on the surface of how bad it has gotten. I have seriously lost my sh#%. Then the cycle of shame. And then the whole thing starts over. I really dislike it and how I make my kids feel.

No joke I have been searching for something that would help for well… my oldest is 20. I actually feel bad for the mother he got compared to my younger kids. I have learned so much even in the last couple years. I feel like I totally bombed as a teacher for him. He is sweet and kind and helpful though so I think we made it ok.

Recently I have been learning from some amazing resources online and I realized that shame and guilt were my main attempts to control my children’s behavior. And clearly that is not ok. I don’t want shamed children. I want my kids to know that I love them even in difficult moments.

Speaking of, tantrums are the most difficult right? All the things I have been learning online say name the emotion for them, let them know you hear them, keep calm and tell them you are there for them.

What we all want to know is what about the kid that gives no f#%*s about that? Who doesn’t stop screaming? Who screams when you speak on purpose?

Well folks I think I have it figured out. 5 kids later. BE KIND. Not just kind but be kind, quiet and consistent. Even when they are in the tantrum. This does not mean that you will not feel full of rage, irritation or hopelessness, is that just me? This will not work the first, second or third time. You have to keep doing it.

We have to connect with them. We have to be present with them. Show them empathy and love. You have to give all the positive praise when they do something good but also when they are just being. An example, You make me happy. Or, I love to see your face. Do something with them for ten minutes every day. They drive and you participate willingly and with effervescence.

Kids scream because they have huge stuff going on inside. You have to be the one to show them calm. The people they most want to be like are their parents. They are actively trying to please us.

When it is a hot moment and they are screaming at you and you can’t get through to them, they won’t let you touch them and they don’t want you to leave. Just breath. In and out and in and out. Show them your calm.

Honestly this goes for everything in our lives. We need to emotionally regulate ourselves before we can even try to emotionally regulate others. This info was so right on time for me. I have been feeling out of control myself with my kids. Like, I don’t want to control them but could they sit down and stop touching their sister? Ok that is the other thing, you can’t demand compliance. I mean you can try but it won’t work.

Demanding compliance is not allowing kids to develop their own sense of right and wrong. It is just control over them. No one, not one person wants to be controlled. So stop trying. Create your boundaries and redirect with firmness but without screaming (<reminder for self).

These things will make a difference in your children behaving. These things will make a difference in how you feel and how your children feel. It will make a difference in how they grow and help them be emotionally grounded adults. Plus who doesn’t want that connection with your kids?!

To recap:

Be kind and consistent.

Be present and show empathy and love.

Show them how to be calm, how to be kind and love them!

Also be really patient. This s*%! takes time. If you slip up, go into repair mode. Apologize and tell them you can do better and you love them.

I am working on this with my toddler now and I can see a difference! I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. We don’t have much time with our kids before they are not kids anymore, let’s make it count.

Anyone else ready to try this?